happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
