dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
