Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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