i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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