I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
