Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
