I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
