he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
