I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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