This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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