happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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