Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
