is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
