i would punch a child for taco bell
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
