god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
