I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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