My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
