So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
