You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
