YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize