A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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