You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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