The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
