Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
