so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i was born a porn star she said
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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