So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
