Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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