yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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