This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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