Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
