how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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