having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize