dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
