Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
