I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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