he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
