i already hear my dad disowning me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
