i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
COCAINE IS GR8
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize