Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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