I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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