I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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