So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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