the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
