Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
