I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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