they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
