cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize