Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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