I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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