gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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