Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
