i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
