he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
