Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
