The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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