John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
