if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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