I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
